He Says, She Says
Letting the Skeletons Out Too Soon in a Relationship
By Richard Bonazzoli and Linnea Sheldon
Editor’s Note: This time, our “He” got to state his point of view first and our “She” had to respond. Next time, we’ll turn the tables and let her go first…so stay tuned to future isses of The Pulse to see how this friendly “dialogue” between the sexes unfolds!
He Says
So you just met a guy you really like. He seems like a good match for you and you thing he’s into you as well. Then suddenly ~ after only the 2nd or 3rd date ~ you get the infamous call, voicemail, or e-mail. He breaks it off. Something about not being compatible. What?? The two of you had laughed and talked for hours. Everything was OK…more than OK! There was no signal, no warning.
Maybe it was something you said? BINGO! And it wasn’t something you said about him, but something about you! That’s right, what you reveal about yourself early on in the relationship may seem totally fine to you, but to a man it might be deadly. Meeting someone you really like is cool, exciting, and you want to share your thoughts and experiences. You want the person to get to know you, so what could be wrong with that? Well let me just tell you…
So I met this girl I really liked ~ Attractive, smart, funny. On the third date we got to talking about tattoos. Turns out she has one. Four suns on her thigh. So I ask what the four suns signified. She replied “Oh, they represent the significant men in my life.” I was done that second. All the other cool stuff about her was useless. All I could think of was that every time I saw that tattoo I would be thinking about the significant men in her life. The night could not end fast enough. And the relationship was over.
Now I’m fairly sure you’re thinking what complete jerk I am to let a tattoo ruin a relationship. Well, maybe, but I am a man, and that really is how we think! Of course once we reach a certain age (and I am well past it), we all (men and women) have skeletons in our closets. Understanding these skeletons and loving the person despite them is part of a solid relationship, but this level of understanding takes time!
A friend of mine endured another (extreme) example of Too Much, Too Soon. He was on a second date with a girl he was into ~ totally. He casually mentioned that sometimes his voice was a bit too loud when he spoke. His date explains that her voice could be very loud too. “Really? How loud?” Well, the girl went on to explain that she was in trouble with her neighbor because of how loudly she had screamed while having sex with some guy she’d met in a bar. Relationship over.
A number of male friends and co-workers have told me similar stories and we agree that while honesty is a good thing, there is a time for certain discussions. I am not advocating lying, nor am I saying that you should be afraid of revealing things about yourself. All I am saying is that it is best to carefully consider what you reveal about yourself in the very early stages of a relationship.
Being honest but careful may be more difficult than you think, as it is natural to be open when we meet someone new. As difficult as it may be, it is wise to let the person get to know the pluses before the minuses. The minuses are so much easier to take when introduced later.
So, next time you meet someone you really like, talk about the cool stuff that makes you who you are. Save the heavy stuff from the past for later.
She Says
So we meet a guy and he assumes we really like him. You’ve been in a dry spell so you give him the chance to take you on a second, maybe even a third date. Then he calls to tell you he’s really not that into you. What a relief, for a minute there you thought you were going to have to tell him what a lame, boring date he was. If it wasn’t for your stellar charm and quick wit those dates would have been about as exciting as a Kathie Lee sing-along.
I guess at this point he’s thinking you’re calling your girlfriends, replaying every detail in your mind over and over and over again. Asking yourself what did I do wrong, was it my outfit, my table manners, did I have something in my teeth? Of course he assumes that we’re going to blame ourselves. Well, get over yourself buddy, it was just two dates! Honestly, we have other things going on in our lives.
Oh and come on, who uses that kind of an example. Obviously that tattoo girl was a loon. But you don’t see me assuming every guy out there in my dating pool is like the guy who kept calling me the wrong name or the one who insisted on talking to my chest. Or how about the one who sent me a text message two hours after our date to inform me that I have a nice rack (like I didn’t already know).
I can agree with you about the skeletons in the closet bit, yes we do all have them. Yes it is usually crazy to let them out on a first or second date. Hey in some cases it’s crazy to let them out at all. But then sometimes it’s worse to keep them buried ~ some guys DO throw back in our faces, “I can’t believe you let us get so close before telling me something like that. If you’d just been up front with me…”
Now to the story about your friend and the screamer. That girl was obviously out for one thing and one thing only. And it seems like ‘premature honesty’ might not have been her biggest character flaw. HELLO, “…some guy she’d met in a bar??” The girl wasn’t too honest, she was, um, too…friendly (and I’m guessing not all that bright, either)!
Or did you ever for a minute stop to think that maybe these women are over-sharing because they want to scare you away? Your dates are probably a lot smarter than you give them credit for, my dear. Most of us know how to behave when we first meet a person, especially a person we are trying to charm. For all you know, that girl’s tattoo was just a pretty design but she decided to have a little fun with you so she made up the ‘significant men’ story…Maybe some women have quirky senses of humor (you do have a sense of humor, right?)…or maybe some are secure enough not to feel that it’s necessary to hide their true selves!
And let me guess…you’re still single, aren’t you?!
Wow… Linnea your response is totally bitchy. He’s giving advice and you’re attacking him. look Linnea… I bet you’re still single too and being single is nothing to be ashamed of so come off it. Your bitchy response is one more reason why men don’t talk to women.
N.
More often than not people get caught in social circles where sexuality is encouraged. Prior to this encounter, the girl may have been involved with people who had sex as an objective. Hearing the “loud” story was amusing to them and made them pursue her harder. It’s a cyclic issue where the sexual behavior and talk is reinforced. Unfortunately this more the norm than not nowadays.
Personally, I would rather know these quirks from the get-go so that I can evaluate whether I want to “cope” or “deal” with the skeletons down the road. If not, I can walk before I’m further attached. To have them with held is a the equivilent of leaving a “time-bomb”.
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