Comic by Kevin Hyzak 

My locker room rant
By Joe Miglionico

Yes, I belong to a gym. You can stop laughing. I go to this gym several times a week, and I see these guys who come into the locker room and basically move in. They have gym bags the size of a Subaru, and proceed to unload it, the entire contents into a locker. 3 different outfits, 4 kinds of soap, conditioner, shampoo, pictures of the wife and kids, mirrors, sneakers, dress shoes, towels (large and small). About a hundred pounds of crap roughly, and they put all this crap in there, and then lock it up and go into the gym and do whatever it is they do there for an hour. When finished, they come back, take a shower, and unload the locker back into the Subaru. I simply don’t understand this. I’m tempted to ask if they think that maybe in the event of nuclear attack, this will give them a refuge for when their home is destroyed, but I never do. I just watch in amazement as a hundred items go in, then a hundred items come back out.
Then there are the bench claimers. There are three small benches in the locker room of the gym I belong to, and more often than not, at least one of them has someone’s crap all over it. Now, if said someone were standing next to the bench, or better yet sitting on the bench, it would be ok, but no, they are either in the gym, in the shower, in the sauna, in the toilet or god knows where, but that have that bench MARKED. It’s THEIRS and no one is going to take it from them dammit! The mentality of Dirk McStudly “I don’t care that there are 50 lockers in here and 20 people at any given time trying to use them, MY gymbag is going to be on that bench, waiting for me when I decide I’ve had enough squat thrusts for the day” irritates the hell out of me. I’ve been tempted more than once to just take their junk and fling it across the room, or to hide it in the sauna so all his cottons will shrink, but I don’t, because I’m in a gym and he could probably snap my neck like a carrot. My only hope is that these inconsiderate bastards find this screed and stop their evil ways.

Canine-Induced Impotence and Buy One, Get Half Free
By Kyle DeVitte

Does one of your friends have that annoying pet who never leaves you alone no matter what you do? Better yet, does someone you barely know have a pet like that? You know, the dog that bounds around and play-bites your hand, only to one-up him/herself by jumping up and hitting you in the nuts seconds later? I ask only because I’ve had two of these kinds of dogs slam my junk button in the last week and I’m wondering if it’s just me. And oh yes, I had to endure the oh-so-witty “Gotcha right in the baby maker, eh?” comment too. From a girl, of course. You know what, Ladies? You are NOT funny. In the least. I wouldn’t dare utter the words “Right in the baby feeders!” when the same dog nails you in the chestal area, so how ‘bout a little silent compassion next time, OK?

Have you seen girls wearing half of a sweatshirt lately? You know, the kind that only covers their chest and exposes either their extremely awesome midsection or their hideously un-awesome midsection. There doesn’t seem to be any in-between ~ either the girl wearing the semi-sweatshirt is so inappropriately hot that she causes you to drive off the road or she’s so delusional about her figure and what might look decent on it that she causes you to want to drive off the road. Either way…Really, what happened to the rest of the shirt? Did a bear eat it?
Was there a special Buy One, Get Half Free sale? You look ridiculous, buy full-sized clothing.