By Rick Garner

Most of us will never wind up in horror movie circumstances. But then again, that’s what everyone in the Scream movies thought…and look where it got them. So, on the slight chance that one day you’re plunged into a world of [cheesy] unkillable killers and hellbeasts, here are a few tips to keep in mind:

1. First, never have sex. Virgins always stay alive the longest. So you’ll be frustrated and horny, but alive.

2. If you utter the words, “I’ll be right back,” you won’t be. You’ll be gutted and relieved of your entrails.

3. If you’re trying to get away from the monster, it might be best to just amble away. History has shown that if you try running, you’ll fall down at least twice if you’re male, three times if you’re a hot female. And since even wounded, slow-moving monsters somehow catch up with even the speediest human, might as well save your energy for the inevitable confrontation.

4. If you’re dumb enough to be searching an abandoned house (probably alone in your sheer nightie) because you think there’s something dangerous lurking in it, at least have the sense to turn on the lights.

5. Make sure your car has a brand new battery so it will turn over immediately when you need to get away from an evil beastie.

6. All houses have quirks, but if you discover that yours is A) built on a cemetery, B) the former meeting place for a satanic cult, or C) previously owned by a couple who enjoyed roasting small children and their pets for supper, you might want to contact a realtor…fast.

7. Feel like making out with your sweetie? Find someplace other than a grave, tomb, mausoleum, crypt, or abandoned funeral home.

8. You know that weird, painfully shy new kid in town? Don’t pick on him. There’s a good chance he’s either evil or has some pretty evil connections. Either way, you mess with him and you’re gonna die.

9. Got big boobs, a low-cut shirt, tiny shorts and flowing hair? Bend over and kiss your shapely butt goodbye, ‘cause you’re a goner (especially if you have not heeded Tip #1).

10. If you find a town which seems pretty much deserted, it probably is, and probably for a good reason. Keep driving. Go on. Don’t even look back. Just floor it.

11. If you have even an inkling that the cute little puzzle you’re holding might open the Portal to Hell, don’t solve it. In fact, just stop touching it at all. Put it down and walk away. Fast.

12. Even if you’re just joking around and trying to freak out your girlfriend, don’t try reciting a demon-summoning spell out loud. Even if you’re an idiot and can barely read in your own language, somehow the ancient Romanian words will roll off your tongue perfectly and presto, you’ve got yourself a pissed-off demon.

13. As soon as you get into your car (also see Tip #5), check the back seat. The Evil Thing will be there, rest assured, there’s no way around that, but at least you’ll know right away and can die knowing that you didn’t die stupid.

14. If your perfectly normal buddy turns into a flesh-hungry demon and then suddenly seems to turn back to normal, don’t be fooled. Kill him. No really. He’s still a demon. They’re sneaky like that.

15. Beware of strangers wearing masks, clothing, or any accessory made out of people parts. It’s never a good sign.

16. If a creepy little child tells you in a sing-song voice that trouble is coming, then trouble is coming.

17. Planning a vacation? Word to the wise, avoid Elm Street, Amityville, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, and all small towns in Maine. It’s not that great an idea to tag along on any excavations, either.

18. If you think you’ve killed the monster on the first try, you haven’t. I don’t care if it looks dead, it’s not. It’s waiting for you to come over and poke at it. And then it will kill you. A lot. So if you’re lucky enough to stun it, make with the getting the hell outta there.

19. Do not take anything from the dead. Whether they offer it to you or not. There’s always a catch, and it’s usually that you must die.

20. Listen carefully to the soundtrack of your movie. There will always be very clear changes in the music when you’re about to be disemboweled.

21. If, despite following all these tips, you do manage to get yourself killed, try to hang on to your head so you can come back in the sequel and seek revenge. You’ve got less of a chance of successful reanimation if your head and your body part company.

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Great Scott! It’s Richard O’Brien’s Rocky Horror Tribute Show!

On Oct.14, Kultur International Films will release “Richard O’Brien’s Rocky Horror Tribute Show” onto DVD. RH fans can relive the genesis of the cult classic phenomenon from its original London stage at the Royal Court’s Theatre Upstairs. Narrated and re-written by O’Brien himself, this special tribute features performances by original members Richard O’Brien, Anthony Head, Michael Ball, Patricia Quinn, Little Nell, and Rayner Bourton to name just a few.

Songs include: Science Fiction/Double Feature, Dammit, Janet, Over at the Frankenstein Place, Time Warp, Sweet Transvestite, The Sword of Damocles, Hot Patootie, Toucha, Toucha, Touch Me, Once in a While, Eddie’s Teddy, Planet Schmanet, Janet Floor Show, Rose Tint My World, Don’t Dream It, Be It, Wild and Untamed Thing, I’m Going Home, Super Heroes, and Time Warp-reprise

So Dammit, Janet, head to www.kultur.com and order yours now!!!