By Cherie Ronayne

January 2006 – Yes, it’s true, personal style is about expressing yourself, about having fun with clothing and accessories, about not necessarily following the crowd. But let’s face it, there are some fashion choices that should just be deemed illegal ~ that’s right, they’re more than just questionable choices, they’re actual CRIMES. So to keep you on the good side of the Fashion Police, here’s our list of the Top 26 Fashion Don’ts…

Oh, the mullet ~ Need we say more?

Mall bangs and poodle hair ~ Not to alienate most of Long Island, but…

T-shirts with mean messages ~ Or any messages, for that matter – authentic vintage rock Ts are allowed, but stupid phrases are an absolute no-no

Fake orange tans ~ Unless you’re an Oompa-Loompa – and even then, it’s iffy

Birkenstocks ~ Now don’t get your hemp knickers in an uproar – these shoes are UGLY!

Anything meshy or netty ~ Unless you’re a fisherman or unless you have three layers of clothing over it

Super-flared jeans ~ They had their moment in the sun…and now it’s over…move on

Dark lipliner ~ Outlining your lips in black just makes you look like you had a run-in with a Sharpie…there is NOTHING redeeming about this look

Visible panty lines ~ VPLs – there’s just no excuse…none

Dark pantyhose with light shoes ~ Um, sorry, Jersey girls)

Hair scrunchies and hair chopsticks ~ Scary, just scary – and those chopsticks can put an eye out

Raccoon eyes ~ If your make-up makes you look like you’ve been in a bar fight, take it down a notch

The side ponytail ~ Why would you do this to yourself, anyway?

Mixed metallics ~ If you absolutely MUST wear something metallic, and we beg you not to, please don’t mix it with something else metallic…nothing good will come of it

Dirty, chipped nail polish ~ It just makes you look like you’ve clawed your way out of a scene from Saw II

Wifebeaters ~ The name and the style should both be outlawed

Bursting seams ~ Top, bottom, anywhere in between – the stuffed sausage look is just NOT attractive and you run the risk of putting someone’s eye out with an exploding button

Mom jeans ~ High-waisted, pleated horrors that look good on absolutely no-one

Tie Dye ~ Just say no – that’s all there is to it. Even the Dead will be Grateful.

Dogs in Louis V-knock-off carriers ~ Dogs are pets, not accessories. You wouldn’t wear a ferret as belt, would you?

Muffin tops ~ Take a sec, get the visual — bellies up-n-over waistbands…eeeeek!!!!

Overalls ~ If you don’t own a tractor or a banjo don’t own overalls

Shoulder pads ~ If you’re not a quarterback or a drag version of Joan Collins, back slowly away from the shoulder pads…

Visible foundation lines ~ VFLs – I have three words for you: Blend, blend, blend – lest you look like the victim of a botched face transplant

White pantyhose ~ Are you a nurse or planning to rob a convenience store? No? I thought as much.

Whale tails ~ Peek-a-boo thongs – they’re not sexy, they just mean that your pants are falling off

…and the Number 1 “new” fashion trend heading our way that we’re already adding to our next Crimes list? LEGGINGS. That’s right, they’re ba-aack! These scary throwbacks to the 1980s should fall into the “one decade was enough” (actually, way more than enough) category, but for some strange reason high-end designers are bringing them back. If you MUST wear them, wear them with caution…we’ve heard rumors that once you put them on, you have the uncontrollable urge to cut up your sweatshirts and throw Flashdance parties for your horrified friends…