By Stephen Caputo

The summertime. The beach. The glorious sun. The fear of having to enjoy them naked from the waist up. Oh yes, I know you’re out there, my fellow males who’d rather order Zinfandel at a sports bar than hit the beach shirtless.

Yes, it’s true. I’m a T-Shirt Guy too. Everyone has that one friend who goes to the beach, but doesn’t do the beach. I’m that friend, and let me assure you, all of us “those friends” have our reasons. Mine is pretty straightforward: someone once tried to pass off footage of me mowing the lawn as evidence of a Sasquatch in the neighborhood. I’m OK with that, though. Not everybody can be Tom Cruise in Top Gun. We don’t all have to flex our pythons just to look at our watches. We the T-Shirt Guys are still entitled to some fun in the sun and shouldn’t have to wait until October to breathe in that ocean air.

But there are some guidelines we need to follow:

First off, the right T-shirt is key. White, although generic, is the best choice. Dark colors are only going to cook you from the inside, not unlike a delicious microwavable burrito. Just keep in mind, if you’re a “Robin Williams” on the Hirsuteness Scale, you should at the very least think about a trim. That very same shirt may serve as a vibrant backdrop to plenty of dark hairs that poke their way through. Turns out ~ the ladies don’t really go for that. Yes, I’m endorsing manscaping just this once. And don’t forget to make sure the WHOLE shirt is white. The aforementioned females also noted that the old ring-around-the-collar is a bad thing…although not quite as bad as yellowed armpits.

Moving on…Good fit is important, too. If the shirt’s shoulders and chest fit well, sucking in your stomach can fool the ladies into thinking you’re a bodybuilder…or at least not someone who considers an intense round of Wii Tennis to be “exercise.”

Now, you don’t have to have an eight-pack, but you should be in decent enough shape for some football or volleyball. (Stand up. Look down. Can you tell me what color shoes you’re wearing? If not, do some situps, fatty.) Some guy’s always got a pigskin, or there’s a volleyball net already set up, and inevitably a game will break out. You don’t need to be a pro, but you should at least be capable of running a play or two without collapsing due to lack of oxygen to the brain. The key, gentlemen, is insisting that your team play as “The Shirts.” Clever, eh?

Learning more about the horrible effects of exposure to UV rays will help you deflect any condescending remarks. Well, about your never-nude torso, at least ~ I can’t help you if you’re a complete schmuck. As long as you can make up a statistic and sound like you know what you’re talking about, you can probably make a few people feel stupid about NOT wearing shirts. If you really want to get into it, just remind them that a little skin cancer can go a long way.

So there you go. Wear that T-shirt proudly. And I hope it goes without saying that if your choice of swimsuit is a banana hammock, Dude, you’ve got bigger (or smaller, but I refuse to go there) problems than how to explain your T-shirt.