By Thomas Hodgson

I Don’t Need Your Halo War

Nothing epitomizes the definition of nerd more than Halo. For years, Halo has atrophied muscles, made asses fatter, increased sales in Clearasil, and made men forget what the touch of a woman feels like. And if nothing else speaks more to this, Halo partnered with Mountain Dew to release Game Fuel at 7-11. At the same time though, nothing has blurred the line of nerdage with its mass appeal more than Halo. Rock stars, celebrities, and just about everyone under the sun has played or does play Halo. It’s no longer something to keep in the proverbial closet and is part of an evolving image of cool. It was thought that every household had a jar of peanut butter in the cupboard, a carton of milk in the fridge, and a loaf of bread in the pantry. Now, the modern home is at odds to have a copy of Halo lying around. After its success and subsequent sales records, ultimately, Halo has helped bring the Xbox off the shelves and into the existence we know today, with its pinnacle title and as a cornerstone of the multiplayer experience we’ve grown to love.

Wow, that’s quite the shadow to be under. Now enter Halo Wars. Hmm, well it says, “Halo” on the box in the classic logo font AND has pictures of Master Chief lookalikes. Well, I like Halo. I also have money. Using simple logic, my like for Halo in addition to said money means I should buy this! And then somewhere, a voice cries out, “Whoa, whoa, slow down there, little Timmy. Put that money back in your piggy bank and live to rake leaves another day for a better game.”

Halo Wars is just what I expected: a gimmicky game stamped with the Halo name. There is no debating the popularity Halo has had over the years and its contributions to the first person shooter. But just because I love Heinz ketchup doesn’t mean I’ll starting wearing the new line of Heinz shoes. It’s a dumbed-down real-time strategy game, simplified to appeal to a mass audience opening their wallets and leaving their house for the first time in a year and a half to go out and purchase the next great thing with “Halo” on its package.

Outside of miniature versions of familiar characters and vehicles from the Halo universe that are graphically subpar at best, and the spot-on sound effects that accompany them, this game doesn’t offer much more in the way of nostalgia ~ or any form of substance for that matter.

The artificial intelligence is like a bee stuck indoors flying over and over again into the same window in attempts to get out. Units all too often get stuck or block others and you’re left to sit back and watch the mindless result, the newest primetime Fox special When Real-Time Strategies Go Bad.

Secondly, commandeering any sort of army in a real-time strategy game off of a computer’s keyboard and mouse has to nail the landing like Kerri Strug, and this game tripped and fell running towards the beam like the fat Judd sister. It is very difficult to split up squads and control anything less than everything all together, sending one massive bumbling swarm to the enemy location, death ensues, produce more soldiers, then repeat. It’s impossible to play the role as tactician when anything tactical is absent from your control. It’s streamlined to the point of absurdity and purposelessness.

Halo Wars is a testament to all things wrong with entertainment, like ridiculous, money grubbing “There’s going to be a sequel because we enjoy your money” endings (cough cough Friday the 13th) or bands releasing track packs for Rock Band and people being stupid enough to buy them, even though they already own the albums and songs on iTunes.

If this game were solely a disc of the gorgeous cut-scenes, it might be worth your money, but since Halo Wars exists in between each, you have no reason to purchase it. This game is like paying the Master Chief $60 to hop out of his Warthog and kick you in the junk. Someone somewhere will probably find enjoyment in this. It wasn’t me and I recommend you not trying to find out if it’s you.

PROS: For a split second before you open it, you feel a joy similar to that of Halo 3 being released, an innocent time that was killtacular

CONS: The joy soon subsides as your realize you’re playing a game that even mediocrity is too good for and feel the urge to pour Game Fuel on your Xbox

RATING: