5 Oddball Takes on the Jolly Christmas Icon
By Robert Newton

Anyone who wants to continue to know Santa Claus as the benevolent elfin beacon of goodness, go ahead and enjoy ad nauseum the wacky exploits of Tim Allen in The Santa Clause or any number of animated Rankin-Bass Christmas specials. However, if you’re in the mood for something slightly weird to downright unsettling, sample these slices of fruitcake and change your view of St. Nick forever.

The Movie: Santa Claus [1959]
The Santa: Creepy. Not to be confused with the perennial cult favorite Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), this Mexican fantasy is perhaps the Holy Grail of all weird Santa Claus movies. This laugh-hardy Santa Claus gleefully spies on children, particularly a poor young girl named Lupita who wants nothing but a doll for Christmas, with a gi-normous telescope. And if Santa (and his robotic department store proxy) weren’t off-putting enough, there’s Pitch, Satan’s mischievous minion who must get the children of the world to do evil, else he be force-fed chocolate ice cream. Seriously.

The Movie: Santa Claus vs. The Snowman [1997]
The Santa: Fascist. Penned by Steve Oedekerk, creator of the fetishistic sextet of “Thumb” parodies and movies like Bruce Almighty, this CGI short was re-rendered for IMAX 3-D in ‘02 and features a Santa (Jonathan Winters) who stops at nothing to punish a sweet snowman attracted to shiny things that don’t belong to him. While the movie is clever, the violence turns off a lot of parents looking for an innocuous babysitter, which is the appealing part for nearly everyone else.

The Movie: Bad Santa [2003]
The Santa: Degenerate. One of Billy Bob Thornton’s best roles has him playing a drunk and depraved department store Santa planning a heist (whilst schtupping lovely Lauren Graham) in Ghost World director Terry Zwigoff’s holiday antidote. The best part, though, is the way that Thornton’s relationship with a young and lonely misfit (Brett Kelly) develops, completely belying its calculated mean streak.

The Movie: Silent Night, Deadly Night [1984]
The Santa: Psychopathic. Parent groups had a field day with this fairly standard slasher flick about a Catholic abuse survivor who goes on a killing spree dressed as Santa Claus. Of course, the outcry only buoyed the box office, spawning four sequels, the last one featuring Mickey Rooney as a toymaker whose creations come to life. Other psycho Santa ehh-pics include 1980’s You Better Watch Out (aka Christmas Evil), with the second episode of HBO’s “Tales From the Crypt” (“And All Through the House”) providing a great introduction to the long-running series.

The Movie: The Last Christmas [2009?]
The Santa: Totally Off-The-Hook. In a world ravaged by nuclear war, Santa Claus, having witnessed his wife’s murder, wants nothing but to die, but he cannot as long as there remains a child who believes in him. Naturally, he sets out to hunt down and kill the remaining believers, battling zombies and demons along the way. Based on the alternately clever and ghastly graphic novel co-written by giant stand-up (and comics nut) Brian Posehn (Surf’s Up), the story has been optioned by the same folks who brought us the wholesome family film 300.