thePULSENorth is a Very General Direction
By Kevin Hyzak
People do stupid things. And by “people” I mean me. I do stupid things…way too often. Especially come summertime. But I guess that’s what the summer is for…
Especially this one time…
It started out as just one of those days ~ The sun woke me up sometime after lunch. I tripped down the stairs, poured myself some Cap’N Crunch and thought, “Why don’t I go to Montreal?” (And once I had time to think about it, I realized that there were at least 93 reasons not to go: 1) It’s in Canada, 2) The beach is way closer, 3) My car might not make it, 4) They speak French, 5) Did I mention it’s in Canada?…but at the time I couldn’t think of a one.) So I woke up my roommate and told him what he was doing that day.
Now, my car is more beat up than Liza Minelli’s husband. Super beat. Fischer-Price makes a better car. Somehow ~ about a year ago ~ I had managed to get the electric windows all stuck in the down position. I’ve since been fending off the winter by taping Saran Wrap over the windows. Don’t worry, it’s two layers ~ if that makes it sound any warmer.
Anyway, I hopped in the car (after dragging the roommate downstairs) and headed North ~ maps suck the fun out of a road trip. Finding the place is part of the adventure ~ at least that’s what my Dad always said when he got the family lost. But North, as I found out, is a very general direction. After a few wrong turns those paved highways and green signs turn into packed dirt and shanties pretty quickly.
Once you’re lost in upstate Maine and you begin reading the mailboxes up there for entertainment, you realize there is a startling lack of diversity among the last names of the local denizens. It’s almost like advertising that the local gene pool lacks tributaries. I’m wondering whether this sort of cousin-lovin’ may actually be legal in these parts when I see a squad car’s lights flip on behind me. Apparently, having a brake light out is a more serious offense than hooking up at family reunions.
I pulled to the side of the dirt path and looked to my roommate ~ who was fast asleep. The cop sauntered up to my window and made that “roll-your-window-down” motion while tonguing his chaw. This confused me…my windows were already down…Just covered with two layers of plastic wrap. Didn’t he understand? I guess I could have opened the door and gotten out of the car ~ but I’ve seen what can happen when you leave your vehicle. I’m no fool. So I poked a hole in my window and stuck my head out: “Problem, Officer?”
After explaining myself into a ticket and not getting any directions for how to get to Canada I got flat tire. The wind whipping through my plastic wrap almost drove me crazy. I never made it to Montreal, but I did stumble onto a beach in my attempts to get unlost. It was incredible. Warm sun, cool breeze, intermarrying relatives…and I realized something: You don’t need to travel 280 miles to sit on your ass and enjoy the summer… So on that note, get out and enjoy the summer!
