The Top Five Female Types: BEWARE!
By Matthew Bonazzoli

Just to refresh your memory, last month our “She” got to list her top 5 “Beware of” man types: The Invisible Man, The Control Freak, The Egomaniac (aka The Man in The Mirror), The Shut-In, and, at #1, The Moocher. Now ~ as promised ~ our “He” gets equal time to speak on behalf of the male population.

Can’t we all just get along? Men and women, I mean. Sure, those 5 types of men listed in Nicole’s half of the column do exist, but we don’t all fall into those categories (well, not completely). No Sirree ~ I fall into my very own, in fact. I’m the Jaded, Cynical, Opinionated, Loner (hey, at least I admit it!). But I digress. My goal here is to show the man’s side of this conundrum ~ for we men also have to deal with an assortment of dating disaster clichés that are sadly all too real. Here are my top five.

5. The Puppy Dog

She couldn’t be nicer and this type is the most difficult of all because she’s just so damn good all the time. She’s always trying to help and make your life more comfortable. So what’s wrong with that? Well, for me, plenty. This type has no life or firm opinions of her own. I want a partner, not a “yes person.” And I don’t want someone following me from room to room when I get home, either. The Puppy Dog is usually shy, self-conscious and boring. And let’s just say that she is not exactly, well, adventurous in certain departments, either ~ it’s just not in her personality (or lack thereof!). With the Puppy Dog you get the feeling that she’s only dating you because you’ll date her. Still, she’s so damn nice it’s very difficult to break it off and hurt her feelings ~ but in the end, you must. Given time, the Puppy Dog will make you as dull as she is.

4. The Inconsiderate

Though I’m sure many men are like this, the inconsiderate woman usually is smart enough to know she’s this way but conceited enough to expect a guy to put up with it because she’s a hottie. She’s perpetually late, breaks off a date 10 minutes before you’re supposed to pick her up, always expects you to pay for dinner, calls on you to fix her car, plumbing etc., but will always have other plans if you are painting your kitchen or need her help for anything. Sure, she will tell you she loves you but what she means is that she needs you. She’ll think all men are jerks for dumping her even when the reasons are obvious. She’s proves the point that no matter how hot a woman is, there are guys out there who are sick of her attitude.

3. The Weight Gainer

Yeah, I may get me into a lot of trouble for even mentioning this, but I have seen time and time again that (whether they admit it or not) men will dump women simply for gaining weight. Sure, women argue that not every man likes thin women and yes, they’re right. What usually happens is that you begin dating this very attractive, fit woman and in a few months she’s stopped exercising and is packing on the pounds. The problem with this is that women have made the subject of their weight so taboo that should you ever speak of it to her you will be forever labeled to women everywhere as a total jerk. Sorry, there are no exceptions. She will eat more than you at a restaurant and wonder aloud how she’s getting bigger and you aren’t. She knows damn well that you like her thin but thinks that since you’ve been dating a few months you should simply love her for who she is and not what she looks like. She’ll spend a king’s ransom on bigger hair, having her nails done and new clothes to fit her ever-increasing girth but refuses to acknowledge that she could be more attractive simply by losing some weight Let’s face it, love may be blind but lust is not. And she’s not stupid, so the day you dump her she’ll get another gym membership so she can slim back down and score another sucker to pay for her daily lunch buffets. Maybe the next guy will be too weak to leave her when she’s too heavy to be carried over the threshold.

2. The Jerk Lover

Sometimes I think of putting up an on-line personals ad that says this: “Hi, I’m an alcoholic, abusive, inconsiderate jerk. I’ll date you for years, put you through hell and then make you feel like it was your fault when I dump you. You’ll never be good enough and years from now when you’re in a relationship with a great guy you’ll dump him to come back to me to try to prove to yourself that you can fix things. Let’s go out tonight but be sure to bring some cash ‘cause I’m in between jobs again.” Enough said.

1. The Evil Twin

So you’ve been dating a few months, things are great, the sex is fantastic and you think this could be The One when Whammo! One day you pick her up and it’s like you’re out with a different person. It’s The Evil Twin. Not only is she rude and hostile, she doesn’t even look the same. She is weepy one minute and screaming obscenities at you for blinking too loudly the next. She is mad at you for what you did, didn’t do, said, didn’t say, might say, might do, thinks you might do or dreamt that you did. Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not in the Twilight Zone ~ you are either dating a card-carrying member of the Perpetual Time of the Month Club or (even worse) what is appropriately called a Crazy Chick. Now you may ask, if she were really this wacked, weird, or wonky, why didn’t you experience it earlier? That’s an easy one. It’s because she’s comfortable enough with you at this point to let her moody, evil twin out to play. She assumes you’ll just put up with all this because “it’s part of who she is” and as the man in her life you somehow owe it to her to love her regardless of her behavior. Run, run, and keep running, my friends. The Evil Twin is addicted to bi-Polar soda and will aim an explosive 12 oz. can of emotional whoop ass at you without a moment’s notice from hereon in unless you get her out of your life.

Have an opinion on who’s right? Want to tell us what you think? We’d love to hear from you ~ just send an e-mail to the Editor at ldean@pagioinc.com.