Shaun Connolly
I know it is hard to have breaking news in a monthly-alt weekly, but here we are. I am so pumped to announce that Worcester is getting another minor league team! That’s right, the Maine Celtics are moving out of Portland and heading on down to Worcester to be closer to Boston and play in the ALMOST newly renovated Worcester Auditorium.
I am so honored to have received this exclusive information. I guess the thinking from the big brass was that they were going to slow roll this announcement and hide it within our publication. This is big stuff guys. The Boston Celtics’ G-League Team is going to be playing in sunny Worcester. And not at the DCU Center, at the gorgeous Aud. So many historic teams have played at the Auditorium. The Harlem Globetrotters used to come through there. The Celtics would play exhibition and regular season games. Holy Cross, Assumption, and Clark all played in that building. There used to be another minor league basketball team, the Bay State Bombardiers, they played four seasons in the early 80s. Their mascot was a Ralph’s Diner regular and overall Worcester character Captain PJ, who would be like a human cannonball and run around with nearly no supervision and/or repercussions. Though probably very many concussions as he would run into a wall with a helmet on.
And now we have the Worcester Celtics. Though I did suggest, despite my journalistic integrity, to change the name. They used to be the Portland Red Claws after their lobstering history. For brand synergy purposes they changed it to Celtics. But personally, I think it would be fun to name the team after our biggest industry, Seltzer! How fun to be The Worcester Bubbles? The brass over in the North End of Boston took my suggestion seriously and we may very well have another announcement next month about a name change!
Just think, the next time Jayson Tatum snaps his achilles, he will get to rehab in Worcester. The next time we sign a washup forward trying to make one last run at the NBA, we get to watch him lumber up and down the same floor that the Grateful Dead once played. The next big NBA star could get his start right here in The Heart of the Commonwealth.
If you are still reading this and are excited. I am so sorry to disappoint you. This issue runs on April 1st. So I am obliged to tell you, APRIL FOOLS. Thanks for indulging.