Elliot Mercier

We all know by now that adult responsibilities are very time consuming. For some of us, they eat minutes and hours so voraciously, that friends and family just fade into the background as another deadline gets plopped on the desk. You wanna know who’s always there for me, even when I don’t ask for it? Robots. That’s right, the A.I. of tomorrow is here today to offer companionship as long as they can talk your ear off. The company is always appreciated, whether I’m at work, trying not to cry at the end of “Lilo & Stitch” as a grown man, suppressing harsh language when driving through Kelley Square, or in the middle of a funeral in the rain for somebody I don’t know.

Whenever they call, they’ve always got something to say, some sage advice for the downward spiral that is my existence. These robo-callers are so kind as to tell me how much I could be saving on my car insurance, the amount of dollars I could be keeping instead of throwing on top of that flaming heap known as my student loan debt, or that I should be investing in the opportunity to retire in ten years! That’s right: I could retire when I’m 34! The only downside is when I get the Blood Bank Robot: the one that keeps on trying to get me to come back and donate blood on such a regular basis that it’s like the friendly vampir-, I mean, uh…medical workers – want to take it all at once. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I get at least two calls a day from these monotone nurses. I understand that blood transfusions are important but I need time to grow it back, before I get yet another robo-call for more!

Now that I think about it, there are many downsides to these digital friends! I guess their robot mother loved the simpler names, because I haven’t heard this much about Bills since the last time I checked my university mailbox. Maybe from a young age, they were taught that inflection of the voice was a sign of weakness and that lethargic delivery is a sign of utmost respect. Fair enough if that’s the case, because it seems like retail workers are given the same training.

Even when you get tired of these voice machines calling up your phone, they’re vigilant about calling you from a new one, no matter how many times they’ve been turned down before. Maybe this is how A.I. will overthrow us all and take over the world. Meanwhile, Elon Musk is crying in a corner screaming about how he was right.

Alright, sarcasm and jokes aside, if you want to get rid of those spam calls from company voice boxes, you can register your number at the free National Do Not Call Registry at 1-888-382-1222 or at donotcall.gov.