thePULSEBy Kevin Hyzak
Ah, the new year . . . finally a chance to get things right. Time to take stock of where you are in life and celebrate all of your accomplishments. What, you didn’t get around to that? That’s fine, 2009 was pretty busy, at least you quit that thing you wanted to . . . no? Ok, well, now you have another chance. Don’t blow it. Here’s the key to a successful 2010: low standards. You want to be celebrating your accomplishments at the end of the year . . . not stressing about catching up by setting new goals. Here’s some advice. Easy does it.
Here’s some help:
Do laundry. Now, usually people would add a qualifier after that, like, say, “at least once a month.” Please. Quantifying goals is soo limiting and distracting. Honestly, I’m pretty sure you could wear the same pair of pants every day for a year and no one would notice (although I haven’t tried that yet . . . maybe a goal for next year?). Still, trying to be a smidge more hygienic this year wouldn’t be a bad thing. Bringing clothes home for mom totally counts. Don’t be hard on yourself. If you get around to doing laundry once let’s call that a victory. If not, let me know if you really can wear the same pair of pants every day.
Learn a new word. Copious: abundant ~ as in, I had a copious amount of laundry to do, but I heeded Kevin’s advice and now both my pairs of pants are clean. Good work. Take the rest of the year off.
Seem smarter. Being smart probably takes hard work, or something. Whatever. Seeming smarter is pretty easy. Fact: I usually just start my sentences with the word “fact.” See? Easy. And who’s going to argue with a fact?
Start class assignments before the ratio of the number of pages due to the hours left to work on it is an improper fraction (e.g. 14 pages / 2 hours). Now, I know what you’re going to say, and I totally agree. If you squeeze 10 hours of work into 30 minutes, aren’t you being more efficient with your time? Yes, you are. Very good – I can tell you’re an astute and talented student. But there is something to be said for completely old-fashioned practices like “studying” and “researching” (Besides, you can turn them into dates, sometimes without the other person even realizing it [insert sinister laugh here]). And, fact (See what I did there?), your head is five times less likely to explode if you spread 10 hours of work over 10 hours. Have fun. Actually try to learn something. No really.
Learn something . . . on purpose. (Yes, I’m being redundant. This is what happens when you wait until the last second to finish your assignments. I teach by doing). People say that you learn something new every day. If you’re not learning something neat and cool and relatively inappropriate (all of which still constitute learning), this usually means that, by default, you’re in class ~ OH, I keed, I keed. So since you’re there already, might as well make like a sponge and absorb. That way, you’ll have at least a sentence or two to use after you’ve made the grandiose statement, “Fact.”
Go to the gym and/or stop going to the gym. Very few people are in that “goldilocks” range of appropriate gym attendance. Let’s aim for that. If you could swear you hear whispers of “There goes Ferrigno” behind your back, consider backing slowly away from the free weights for a while. If things fall in between the cushions of your couch and one of those things is you, get to the gym. Bulk it up a little, sistah.
Eat something that is not fried. You’ve got a whole year. Come on. Try it. You’ll barely regret it.
Do something crazy. (Ex-girlfriends do not count). Just one thing that is outside of your normal box. Note: there is a subtle but important difference between crazy and stupid. Skinny dipping, crazy. Skinny dipping in the kiddy pool at Typhoon Lagoon, stupid. Only Donald Duck can get away going pantsless around the kiddies.
Meet new people. I set a goal for myself of meeting one new person every month this past year. This meant that, after procrastinating for the first 29 days, I usually had to force the issue around the end of the month, which led to very awkward conversations in the express line of grocery stores. Toward the end of the year, though, I started to figure out that it’s easier if you trick people into meeting you. How, you say? Easy: Be fun. Do things. Get out there. Smile. Laugh. Negativity is not attractive. Really, it’s that easy. Flash some energy and excitement and an ability to relax and have fun and you’ll be surprised home many people meet you. Flash something else and find out how many cops meet you.
Wow, I think that last paragraph might actually have some useful advice. If I end on that note, people might get the wrong idea about me; I mean, really, I’m not that smart. Fact.
Be in it for the long haul.
Want to know my all-time favorite resolution? Break all resolutions before January 4th. This is usually the start to an excellent year. Mission accomplished.
