A new trend worth seeing…not dating.

By Alex Kantarelis

We live in a very interesting world. The way people act towards one another is very different than it used to be. Let me tell you why. My friend just got dumped by a girl he wasn’t even dating. And he’s devastated. That’s right, they weren’t together, but they still broke up, and he’s very upset.. Does this seem strange to anyone or am I the only one? Has anyone noticed that there is no such thing as a normal relationship anymore?

I always thought that there were two kinds of people: single people and people in relationships. But I was so wrong. I realized something not too long ago. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend is illegal. You are not cool if you are actually in a relationship. You’re completely cut off from the social scene.

I didn’t figure all this out right away. It all started when I met a girl and she seemed really cool. I was excited. I thought maybe she could become my girlfriend. Then I saw her with a guy one night. When I asked her about it, she said, “Oh no, he’s not my boyfriend, I’m just seeing him.” Seeing him? What? What was she talking about?

There are so many different terms that I had to learn. Talking to. Dating. Seeing. Hooking up with. Going with. Going out with. Going steady. Together. Hanging out and occasionally making out depending on how drunk we are. Every day I’d hear a girl say, “Oh yes, me and William are talking.” And I’d say, “Oh really, is he your boyfriend?” She’d respond with, “No no, we’re just going together.” Then, when I tried to put my slick moves on this girl, she rejected me, saying that “William” would get mad. Strange that your non-boyfriend-guy-friend-hooking-up-with-partner whom you talk to would get mad. You know, the way a boyfriend does. Maybe I’m just crazy.

This seemed a-okay. Being in a real relationship is bad, but “seeing someone” is fine. You’re still cool and part of the social scene. But all of these subcategories seem to have a certain order to them.

Let me start simple. Dating. Nobody goes on dates anymore. That’s just something our parents used to do. Girls, when was the last time a guy actually took you out to dinner and a movie? That’s old school. It just doesn’t happen anymore. Instead, we get the term “talking to.” This one really confused me because I talk to people all the time. Every day, I talk to nearly everyone I see. This term really means texting someone all day while occasionally getting naked together. So “talking to” is the first step in the relationship process. But there really is no commitment when it’s just “talking to.”

Next comes the term “seeing,” or the more nerve-racking “hooking up with.” If a guy is “seeing” a girl, then he is hooking up with her frequently, but sometimes making out with other girls when he can. He is not really tied down to one girl, and vice-a-versa.

That’s when people start saying things like, “I don’t know why she got so mad at me, we’re not even dating!” So if you’re not dating, what are you? “Well, we’re friends who hang out and kiss sometimes, occasionally spend nights together, but she’s NOT my girlfriend.” Oh cool, so does that mean I can date her? “NO, she’s mine! And she’s not yours.”

But things can’t stay this simple. They start to get a bit more complicated when the text-messaging bill gets incredibly high and they start spending almost every night together. The two, who are “something along the lines of a couple,” are now touching on very unsafe ground… actually being together!

The term “dating” suddenly comes back to us. When two people are actually “together,” that’s the term they use. They don’t mean “We go on dates.” They mean “We’re in a relationship.”

When two people are actually “dating,” that’s when the text messages turn into 200 phone calls a day, with random checkpoints to make sure everything is going according to plan. You know what I mean. The phone call where the girl says, “Hi, I just got out of work. What are you doing…Oh nothing?” But getting out of work is not the only necessary check point. There are many. Every single time you eat, shower, go to sleep, take a nap, wake up, go to the store, leave your apartment in any way, watch TV, go to the bank, or sit by yourself looking at all the empty beer cans from last night, you have to call to check in. When did being in a relationship mean taking a wedding vow?

Of course that’s not all. MySpace and Facebook start to really mess things up. You have to change your status to In a Relationship, which means no more flirting with morally loose girls from Nebraska who think you’re someone famous because your YouTube video has 2000 hits and you have a picture of yourself with Chuck Norris on your MySpace profile. There are no more pictures of Chuck Norris! Now it’s just pictures of you and the girlfriend. OUCH! Guys start sending out bulletins that say things like “I really miss my cutie right now,” and girls always write their anniversary on everything and comment on your pictures with things like “Baby I’m so happy with you.” All of this makes me want to vomit. Any time a girl leaves a comment on the guy’s page, he has to delete it so the “girlfriend” doesn’t get upset.

You’ve officially hit the point of no return. You tell your parents about your new boyfriend or girlfriend. You start talking in baby talk and using nicknames like Honey, Sweetie, Babe, Baby, Boo, Boobie, Snuggle-butt, and my personal favorite, “THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.” Girls, you stop dressing up and always wear pajamas around, and guys, you constantly ditch the other guys when they go out drinking so you can stay home, watch The Notebook, cuddle, and go to bed early. It’s inevitable, but it always happens.

Many people constantly ask me what comes next. Well, that’s simple. You and your “sweetie-pie” get in a horrible fight over something ridiculous, like the ketchup, or who gets to use the toilet, and the two of you unfortunately break up. This leads to many upset phone calls to friends, and very nasty Myspace bulletins for everyone to read. The Facebook news feed tells everyone you know that you are no longer “in a relationship,” and you delete all pictures of the two of you.

Next time you see a guy and a girl together out at a bar, don’t automatically assume that they are boyfriend/girlfriend. Keep in mind that they could very easily just be “good friends who occasionally hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and sleep in the same bed every night.” No strings attached. But watch out, if you ever try to hit on these people, their significant others will always get mad. Even if you’re just “talking.”