…Will Help the Red Sox Win the World Series
By Chad Varnas

In the following weeks, our beloved Red Sox will win the American League East title for the first time since the X-Files was a hit TV show. And after that, it’s off to the playoffs, where they’ll defeat their 1st round opponents in 4 games before heading into the American League Championship series. After an intense six game series, the Sox will capture the American League pennant and then it’s off to the World Series. A critical error in game 6 will allow the Sox to score 3 runs in the 7th inning and capture their 2nd World Series title in 4 years.

Naturally, you’re wondering how I can know all this before the season is over ~ well, the answer is very simple, nearly as simple as the state of Florida’s voting machines. The answer is my lucky sweatshirt. That’s right, a lucky sweatshirt. You see, the key to winning the World series is not Schilling’s pitching or an endless amount of Yahtzee games sold to complete your “Dice –K for MVP” sign, made completely from, you guessed it, dice. Nope, it’s as simple as our beloved city uniting as one and becoming a superstitious city, determined to help the Sox capture the World Series title…So here’s the plan.

First and foremost, you need to decide where to watch the games and then stick to that one place. If it’s Moynaugh’s Tavern, Blackstone Tap, Pub 99 or a girl named Sue’s house…wherever it is, make sure not to leave. Sure, you’ll get offers to go to this bar or the other for free wings, to come to this party for the hot chicks…balderdash! You’re viewing is to be done at one designated place so that the team can rely on you.

After that issue has been settled, the seating arrangement is next. It’s not as important at a bar, because the same seat may not always be available, so it’s only 100% necessary when you’re viewing the games at a friend’s house. If you are the host, as I make sure I am, then you get 1st choice. After that, it’s fair game. No special rules for wives, girlfriends, best friends, etc. It’s first come, first served. But make no mistake, just like choosing a My Space screen name, once it’s there, it’s a done deal. Chairs and couches are best for jumping up during a HR or bad call…Floor space is also good for pounding your fists in excitement or frustration…like when Grady Little left Pedro in the game one inning too long in 2003. Just like real estate, game vantage point is all about location, location, location.

Now, after that has been settled, you need to make sure that the group you start with is the group you finish with…period. If people decide after hearing what a good time you and your pals have watching the games that they want to join in the fun, well, that’s just too bad for them. And you also want to make sure that you watch the games with people who know and love baseball. In 2003, on the night of Game 7, my best friend Bryan called me and asked if a few friends and their girlfriends could come over. Rather than telling them to stay as far away from my house as a stray dog should stay away from Mike Vick, I said, “Sure, no problem.” Well, after a foul ball, a girlfriend that had come in asked, “What’s that mean?” Needless to say, the room went silent and Aaron Boone sent all of us home crying…except, of course, the girl who said, “Aww. That’s OK…we’ll get them next game.”

Last ~ and most importantly ~ is the clothing. Whatever you decide to wear for Game One, be prepared to wear it through the playoffs. Now, does that mean if they lose Game One that you change? Absolutely…NOT! The Sox aren’t going to win every single playoff game, but the clothes need to stay on you tighter than a Janet Jackson outfit during a Super Bowl halftime sh…OK, maybe a little tighter that that. And they do not, under any circumstances, get cleaned in any way, shape or form. They need to be placed in the same order on the floor and are to be treated as if they were blessed by the Pope himself, Theo Epstein.

In 1999, when the sox lost to the Yankees in 5 games, that was on me. You see in 1999, I had worn the same Jersey for every game since game 3 against the Indians and what happens? The sox come all the way back and win the next 3 games to win the series 3-2. On the night they were scheduled to play the Yankees, I had looked for my jersey, which I had placed in the same spot and had not washed. My wife then comes to me and says “Honey, look. I washed your jersey for the Yankees series. Needless to say, the sox lost.

So if everyone in Worcester sticks to this simple plan, then they’ll be no need to worry about whether or not we’re going to win the division or who’ll be coming out of the bullpen to get a critical out in the 8th inning. That’s all there is to it. Stick to the same spot, choose your seat wisely, watch the game with all the same peeps and wear the same clothing and we can plan a city wide trip to go watch the victory together, knowing that we all had a part in winning the World Series for our beloved Sox. The only thing that can stop us now is Grady Little.