An Ode to Good Ol’ Oscar
By Robert Newton

This year’s Academy Awards came and went with very few surprises. And after watching the whole predictable shebang, it dawned on us that someone might really want to shake things up a bit.

Sci-fi writers take “what if” and use it to create
Worlds that don’t exist in ours, so wouldn’t it be great?
To take “what if” and give it a distinctive Oscar spin…
And second-guess the voters and create our own to win.

What if that day Elijah Wood had not picked up the phone?:
Culkin playing Frodo in Pete Jackson’s Gnome Alone.
Or what if Elvis did not die in that unpleasant manner?
He could have made a comeback as drug lord Tony Montana.

What if Stallone had played an underdog, a bit like Rocky?
Except it was like Boogie Nights, and it was titled Cocky.
Dame Judi Dench and Benny Hill in the touching pic Who Farted?
Dane Cook and Adam Sandler in Scorsese’s The Retarded.

DeNiro playing Ludwig ! in the musical called B!
Singing loudly lines like, “Are you talking to me?”
Star Wars starring Cheech and Chong and Cher would be quite Zen
With Jerry Lewis as Darth Vader and Dino playing Ben.

As far as family friendly goes, there isn’t much that’s tamer,
Than Disney’s rated-G affair, Alien vs. Kramer.
Or Pixar’s brand new Christian-themed The Pious Little Mantis,
Or Jacques Cousteau’s Titanic 2: The Last King of Atlantis.

The possibilities increase with sequels in the mix,
Like William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet Part 6:
The Caputrons and Montadroids are feuding robot clans,
But Rome-Ø and Julie-8 “connect” and spoil those plans.

Politically aware films win and tend to be quite heavy,
Like Steven Spielberg’s quite hard-felt The Muppets Take Entebbe.
Or Mel’s apologetic Passion of The Christ Part 2:
In which he bucks up and admits that Jesus was a Jew.

Oh lighten up, it’s time that someone crack a little wise,
And cut Important Institutions like this down to size,
What happened to the ideal that states movies should be fun?
To quote one Foghorn Leghorn, “It’s just a joke there, son!”