thePULSE“Dating: Confusing and Frustrating, but Here to Stay”
January 2006 –
Anywhere you look you’ll find someone confused about dating or a relationship. Magazines cover it, it’s all over the internet, your friends and family talk about, and it’s a go-to plot for many a movie or television program. So just why is it that our intimate relationships are so confusing? It’s not just about our relationship or our boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s about society as a whole. Dating isn’t what it used to be, and while some say this is good thing and others argue that it is bad, everyone will agree that it has changed.
Rules that were once so easy to follow are growing increasingly complicated. The good old days of picking up a girl at her doorstep and shaking hands with Dad are no longer. The ideas of dating and going steady are almost non-existent in today’s age of hanging out and hooking up.
The dating norms of older generations really began to change during the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s. Women’s roles were also changing and following your own dating rules became another form of liberation.
Now everything about dating is left to interpretation. Simple things like who drives, who pays, and even where a relationship stands are no longer decided by society.
The umbrella term “dating” has grown to mean many different things as well. Nowadays it can mean anything from going out on casual dates to being in a committed relationship where a couple spends a large amount of time together but doesn’t “go out” on dates together anymore. Naturally, dating terms are becoming ambiguous, too. “Hooking up” can mean many different things, from meeting up to kissing to having sex. A “friend” can simply mean friendship, but it can also mean something more, depending on the context.
Jose Lopez, 28, of Worcester, has been in a relationship for about 8 months. “I met her through a telephone dating line,” he said. “We went on about seven or eight official dates, and at first the relationship progressed slowly. We reached a point where we decided to make it official and now we see each other about three times a week.” While they do refer to each other as girlfriend and boyfriend, Jose said he is not ready to progress further just yet. “She’s at the point where she would love to live with me, but I’m kind of timid about that because of a past experience,” he said.
Modern relationships are often plagued by either too little or too much commitment. A relationship can be so casual that the couple only sees each other occasionally and has no real commitment to each other. On the flip side, another recent “status development” in dating involves so much commitment that many people refer to it as playing house. The couple spends every night together, plans their days around each other, and may even combine finances, all without an engagement or even discussion of marriage.
Couples moving in together before marrying has grown more common over the years as well. It has become almost a necessary step before marriage, and is no longer looked at negatively by most. According to the U S Census Bureau, in 1970 there were an estimated 520,000 unmarried couples living together; by 2000, that number had grown to 4.8 million.
Perhaps the most significant influence on the current world of dating is Internet dating, which has opened the door to meeting people you wouldn’t have met otherwise. According to the Nielson/Net Ratings for 2005, 1/3 of internet users use the web to meet potential dating partners, and internet dating has now become the third most popular method of finding dates. The survey also found that only 11% of internet daters are looking for marriage.
Dating online also allows a couple to build an emotional intimacy faster than usual because of the anonymity the internet allows. However, no matter how many emails and instant messages are exchanged, romantic chemistry and physical interaction cannot be replaced.
Today’s trend in going out usually involves hanging out, either with a larger group or at home, rather than around traditional planned dates. This makes it easy for the line between friendship and relationship to blur ~ and leads us further into the no rules territory.
“It’s so hard to meet people now,” said Liako Valera, 27, of Worcester. “Usually when you meet it’s through a mutual friend or while you’re in a large group at a party or lounge. Then you decide to go out some other time with a group and you just see what develops.”
Since the stigma attached to sexual relations between unmarried men and women is now also less harsh, the subject is now easier to talk about, too. And with this “loosening,” many new terms have been coined. Not only is there hooking up, seeing each other, and going out, but now we have more casual relationship expressions like booty calls, friends with benefits, even the walk of shame which describes the morning after walk home.
Many circumstances have contributed to today’s lax and often bewildering rules of dating. More women in the workforce makes it easier for a woman to date casually rather than to solely look for a husband. Also, friendships between men and women are more common, so there are more ways to build relationships with the opposite sex. As society continues to progress, who knows in which direction our dating norms will go. Many people are calling for a return to the simpler times of their parents’ and grand-parents’ generation while others are happy with the path the entire dating scene is taking. One thing’s for sure, though ~ dating, no matter how many definitions go along with it ~ is still a rite of social passage in our society.
