A Mixed Bag of Jokes, Observations, and Other Funny Stuff

Did I Really Hear That?
By Joe Miglionico

I was in Best Buy yesterday (buying a battery for my camera, if you must know) and while waiting in line at the register, I happened to focus in briefly on the in-store music/PA/ad patter that plays non-stop over the speakers in there. It was yet another generic country song played by a generic country singer assaulting my ears and when it ended, the little voice said that it was from a CD called “Let’s Put the O Back in Country.” Now, I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that if you take the “O” out of “Country” you get a very, very naughty word indeed. I find it pretty amazing that when someone was considering that as an album name the lightbulb never went on. I wonder how many levels of bureaucracy the album sailed through without noticing what “Country” spelled if you actually removed the “O.”

Jessica Simpson’s Ass
By Joe Miglionico
In line at the store the other day, I was confronted with a Star magazine on the rack in front of me. “What Happened to Jess’s Butt” was the glaring headline, right above two photos of Jessica Simpson. One photo was of her in her Daisy Duke costume, showing a nice round, firm-looking ass with “Before” emblazoned under it and the other showed her in similar shorts with the…region…in question looking somewhat flatter with “After” under it. I was sort of awestruck in a way. I know that we as a country tend to be attracted to idiotic celebrity trivia and small bright shiny things, but the idea that someone at a multimillion dollar magazine felt that there was a cover story in whether or not Jessica Simpson’s ass isn’t sufficiently round is a tribute to a(s)sininity that simply boggles the mind. That wasn’t the end of it however, as just below the headline was a more sinister “What REALLY Happened,” as if there had been some grand conspiracy to con the world into believing there was some innocent cause for Jessica’s flat ass that we have been earnestly discussing for weeks, only to find out we were LIED TO as a nation and a planet and that the cause of her less-than-ample behind was the result of some conspiracy involving space aliens and Karl Rove. Now, I happen to think Jessica Simpson is very beautiful. She belongs right up there with Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey and even Britney Spears (before she stopped showering) on the list of girls I would really like to see naked as long as I never ever have to hear them sing ever again. But the idea that the fat cell density of her buttocks calls for national press coverage goes a long way towards explaining how we managed to get into a war based on lies and re-elect the…genius…who put us there. There are so many vitally important issues facing Americans and the world as a whole today, but as long as the majority of us can be distracted by nonsense such as this, nothing will change (except, perhaps, the size of Jess’s ass).

This Is the Year…
Really
By Kevin Hyzak

This is the year I get in shape. Seriously. I mean it this time. For real. No joke. I’m tired of being the last unjacked guy on earth. Steve Urkel got guns somehow. Screech has been pumping iron. Even Carrot Top is buff (when did that happen, by the way?). It’s embarrassing when nerds from syndicated television shows and collect call commercials could eat me for lunch. Enough of this lollygagging around, I say. Time to get motivated. And I have a plan…yessiree bob, and it’s a good one.

Going to the Gym Paying the gym dues last year was a good start, but the underarm pinch test is telling me that I probably should have taken things maybe a step further. I think this year I’ll actually have to physically go there. The fitness fob on my keychain was not enough to convince my body to build itself. Sure, the gym’s a scary place for anyone with a noticeable neck ~ especially when you have a history of getting stuck in the nautilus equipment. But I’ve found that most guys love to talk about anything they think they know about. As intimidating as most of the 400 lbs. guys seem, they’re usually really helpful. So don’t be embarrassed about asking for help…unless you’re stuck in the ab machine …again…in which case you have my permission to be completely mortified and never return to that gym again.

No Quick Fixes “There’s no substitute for hard work.” I should have listened when everyone told me what I assumed was just a silly old wives’ tale…I could have saved fifty bucks. Despite what you may have seen on TV, the AbZapper does not give you a sweet six pack. Although it does give a pretty relaxing massage that you can enjoy (uh, a friend told me, so shut up) with another type of six pack (beer, Einstein). Just turn it off when there are attractive ladies around…that combination produces embarrassing results. So as unglamorous as they are, I’m sticking to crunches ~ they’re free and they work (or so I’ve read). And I swear I’m not buying into any more infomercials this year ~ well, unless they’re super convincing and the spokemodel is extra hot.

Diet My friend turned me on to this new diet. It’s called the “Don’t-eat-brownies-for-dinner diet” and it’s really quite revolutionary. It’s pretty scientific, too, and has something to do with “‘metabolism” and “complex carbohydrates.” But essentially the idea of the first step of the plan is that you’re not supposed to eat just brownies for dinner. Apparently that’s not considered well-balanced, even if you alternate chocolate brownies with their bastard cousins the blonde brownies (and no Girl Scout jokes here, please) and even agree to switch over to Froot Loops every fourth day. So on this trendy new diet, you can still enjoy three full meals a day. No calorie counting. No special shakes. It’s great for people like me who have been eating brownies for dinner and washing them down with beer. The ounces seem to nearly melt off. There’s another step to the program ~ I think it’s called “Eating Healthy” or something like that, but I don’t want to shock my body (they say that’s bad) so I’ll save that advanced level for next year.

So pass the pepperoni pizza (hey, the cheese is dairy, which means calcium, the crust is fiber, and lord knows we hear how important that is…so get off my case ~ I’m half-way to the strong bones and regularity that you’ve only dreamed of…and not a brownie in sight…look out, Kirstie Alley) and a cold LITE beer and we’ll toast to a healthier 2006.

Gym-Speak
By Sarah Holmes
In The Zone – Tired and incoherent during a workout. Referred to in a non-gym environment as “freakin’ useless.”
Hold the contraction at the top and squeeze for 10 seconds – Vindictive and vicious powerplay by a personal trainer who wants to punish the client for missing a session.
Hack Squat – The stance your cat gets into when he or she is coughing up a hairball; commonly mistaken as a leg exercise.
Drop Sets – What sometimes happens after a hard set of dumbbell bench presses; A triple drop set occurs when you drop two dumbbells and yourself to the floor.
Bulking Up – The phrase used when trying to pretend that your weight gain is intentional and not just a pitiful weakness for Guinness and Little Debbie snack cakes.
Pro-hormones – Hormones that have lost their amateur status.
Cool-down – That all-important time for sitting on a bench, drinking water and gasping for air, all while boasting about how much more you’re going to lift next time.
“Can I work in with you?” – Translation: “Can I remove all your weights and sweat all over your bench?”