thePULSESingle In the City
The Pulse’s inside look at the Worcester dating scene
This month, The Pulse set out to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being real about the local dating scene. Read on… the answers may surprise you (names have been changed to protect the not-so innocent).
Meet Rob, 27. With his combination of good looks, good job and good luck, he has no trouble meeting women. He spends weekend nights at local bars and usually has an easy time heading home with someone at the end of the night.
Rob has a good time and, for the most part, enjoys being single. What he doesn’t understand yet, and what his mother never will,is that meeting a girl is different than just meeting a girl. Rob doesn’t get why he can’t find a girl who appreciates the Sox games, with whom he can talk about his family disputes, and who will cuddle with him on the couch when he wants to watch a (yes, happens) romantic comedy at home.
In an apartment across town, Lora, 24, paints her nails before going out on a Saturday night. She’s waiting for the phone to ring and, while doing so, swears up and down that she will not be doing this again next weekend. She’s always looking for love in all the wrong places. While Brandon, whom she met the night before, seemed like a sweetheart, he’s yet to call as promised. She decides that Brandon is just like all the rest.
In a romantic comedy, these two might be the central characters in a tragically funny love story, destined to meet by chance. But in real life, they’ve already met – their one-night stand is something that both catalogue as a hot encounter resulting from little more than physical attraction and a couple of tequila shots.
Meet Jason, 25. He is smart and funny with an outgoing personality. It’s difficult to see why this guy would have such a hard time finding a girlfriend. Then the truth comes out: Jason is cursed with being a nice guy. He is the Holy Grail that many single women talk about — he’ll plan a romantic Italy-themed date, he’ll be as sweet to your best friend as he is to you, and he’ll have no problem introducing you to his parents. Yet he is still single. He thinks that one of the problems with the dating scene in Worcester is that girls are hard to approach. “They tend to travel in packs, or with a guy. Occasionally, I meet a girl and talk with her, but not often,” he says. “Girls in New England are not very approachable. Sorry ladies, but it’s true.” He, like many other guys in the area, believes that “…if both sides made the first move, then there would be a lot fewer single people out there!”
Meet Maria, 22. She’s a recent college graduate living and working in Worcester, still looking for that special someone. Maria’s problem with the local scene is that she’s not a fan of bars or nightclubs. She would rather be approached someplace else. “At a bar or someplace like that, intentions are pretty much laid out to be a pickup, but a supermarket or other places seem like less pressure,” she says. “Also, I know the guy isn’t so drunk that he’s just talking to me ‘cause he wants some. A sober guy really has to have balls to come over to talk.”
What do all of these twenty-somethings have in common? They’re all wading through the sea, trying to find the perfect fish. And they all agree that in Worcester, he or she can be very hard to catch.
Out on the Town
On a recent Thursday night, one brave Pulse staff member decided to check out the singles scene in Worcester first hand. Here she tells about her encounters as an observer of the dating scene. Armed with my notebook, a pen, my supportive roommate and cash for drinks (I knew I would need one or two before I could approach anyone), I made my way to Funky Murphy’s. The guy checking IDs asked with a smile if I were going to do homework, but wished me luck when I told him about the article. Once inside, we got a drink and sat down to check out the scene. After my first drink, I approached three guys who were sitting behind us. One had a Red Sox hat on, so I opened with a question about who won the game. How guys make the first move on a regular basis, I’ll never know. I chatted for a moment and then asked them their thoughts on the dating scene. They were fans of Funky Murphy’s and said it was a good place to meet people. They also mentioned Café Dolce down the street as a good nondrinking locale for meeting people and added that if you were looking to find a relationship in a bar, it’s best to get there early before everyone’s drunk.
The next group of guys I approached were a little bit older, maybe in their late twenties instead of just out of college like the last group was. They weren’t out to meet women, just to hang out with each other and have a good time. But they were flattered that I had gone up to them and said they wished more girls would do the same thing. After that night out, I have a lot more respect for the guys who hit on me at bars — because it really takes a lot of nerve to approach a stranger. The guys I met were really nice, fun to talk to, and they even taught me something about courage. Next time I catch a guy’s eye at the bar, I may just go over and offer to buy him a drink!
Many singles say that while they hang out at bars on Main Street, Park Ave. and Shrewsbury Street with high hopes for a good time, few have realistic hopes of meeting someone for a relationship. As Eric, 24, of Worcester says, drinking clouds judgment, almost guaranteeing that the encounter will result in less than a true connection.
“My friends say it’s the ‘thrill of the hunt’ that excites them about being single, but they won’t talk to girls unless the girl is totally wasted,” Eric says. “That’s like hunting at a petting zoo. Doesn’t seem very exhilarating to me.”
On the other hand, many singles have little spare time between work and other commitments to meet like-minded singles, so bars have become the most common meeting places. While other locations may be more conducive to meeting someone with similar interests, the bar is a location that is suited to matching up – and it has its perks.
“I have no qualms about meeting someone at a bar,” says Erin, 23, of Worcester. “People are not really there to accomplish anything practical. It’s usually just drinks, music, dancing and conversation. So at bars, people are presenting themselves in a calculated fashion, making them confident and more willing to engage in conversation… not to mention the help of alcohol.”
One thing that defied our expectations was that guys were very receptive to the idea of girls approaching them. “That is damn sexy,” says Brent, 27, of Worcester. While many girls say they still wait until a guy approaches them, some have very less-than-subtle ways of drawing his attention — making overt eye contact, repeatedly passing by his table or positioning themselves somewhere that is easily accessible for conversation. Some girls we talked to had also tried approaching guys on their own, with varying degrees of success. They hoped that the boldness might result in a more fruitful encounter since they were actively selecting a potential partner instead of passively
accepting him.
Other Places to Meet Someone
Brent says he believes that the dating scene is “a little dry” in the Worcester area. As a graduate student, he spends plenty of time on campus as well as at local bars, but he hasn’t had much luck. “The bar scene in Worcester doesn’t attract my kind of woman,” he says. “The college girls stay in their own little world, and most of them are into the guys that ‘pop the collars.’ Are people serious about that shit?”
Then there’s Eric, who met his girlfriend in what most locals would consider an unlikely spot: Leitrum’s on Park Ave. Before meeting this girl, he spent months on the singles scene and had a hard time meeting anyone with whom he really connected. He admits that his situation is not common, since Leitrum’s and similar establishments are not known for being hotbeds of profound conversation and realistic “signals.” But hey, it can happen!
“It’s definitely the exception,” says Eric. “Meeting someone at a bar in the Worcester area is damn near impossible. never really found a place that was conducive to introducing yourself.”
Jillian, 24, of Westborough agrees. “I’m not really into the bar/club scene,” she says. “I don’t want to meet my future husband in one of those places. I’d prefer to meet him through one of my friends.”
Bookstores were a common suggestion from both sexes as a good place to meet someone. As Kate, 24, of Westborough points out, “You can tell a lot about a person by his choice in literature – plus you know that he knows how to read.” 28-year-old Jessica of Grafton, who has been in a serious relationship for three years, has some sage advice based on her single years. “Find an activity or hobby that you enjoy and join a club,” she says. “It is the best way to meet someone. You can’t depend on meeting someone good at a bar.”
Brent has become slightly cynical about his position. He is willing to make a change to see if it could lead to a meaningful encounter. “I suppose my best option is to hang out at The Living Earth health food store and pretend I am buying Tofurkey. Maybe that would work.” Some think online dating is crazy. Erin, 24, of Leominster says, “At this point, dating services are just so stigmatized. I can’t help but think there is something undesirable about people who use those services.”
But it worked for Heather, 25, of Westborough. “As ridiculous and pathetic as online dating seems at 25, give it a whirl,” she says. “I decided, ‘F**k it.’ I had suffered the bars long enough, and you only live once, so why not explore all my options?” Lucky for Heather, she met and fell in love with the first and only guy she met online.
Most singles admit that they’ve done something extreme to create an opportunity to get to know someone. So, if you think about it, which seems crazier, being matched online with people who have similar interests or getting loaded, going to the bar and waiting for someone to make eye contact with you?
Enjoy the Single Life
The Pulse also asked some unattached twenty-somethings about the positive aspects of living the single life. There were plenty. “I like that you can flirt,” says Jillian. “I’m a big flirt myself and it’s just fun to do. There’s no pressure of someone else in your life to worry about. Being single has many positives! I’ve done it my whole life and I’m still alive!” “Being single has its pros and cons,” says Kevin, 23, of Brighton. “It’s great because I have all the freedom in the world. On the other hand, it can be nice to have a girlfriend to go to dinner with, to cuddle on the couch with or to just relax with.”
“The grass is always greener,” says Kate, 24, of Worcester. “Sometimes I really want a relationship and then I meet someone and realize I am way too selfish and busy right now to be worrying about someone else.” While the singles “sea” may seem far too shallow in these parts, and sometimes it feels like your fishing skills are permanently stuck at the novice level, it is important to realize that there are many others in the area who are in your same situation. The consensus? It’s not that dire. It’s just a matter of keeping your eyes open and not trying too hard. Cupid can strike anywhere, and chances are you will meet that special someone in the last place you’d ever look and at the time you’d least suspect it. So take control of your life, enjoy your freedom and live it up single in the city.“Don’t settle for someone,” says Mandy, 21, of Worcester. “Too many people do that and end up unhappy.
Don’t commit to someone or something until you have exercised all options. It’s the only way to be happy with your life and to find happiness with someone else.” Greg, 24, of Boston also offers some important advice for singles: Relax. “If you are going out solely for the purpose of finding a partner, stop it,” he says. “Go out, have fun and things will fall into place.”
