thePULSEQueer Eye for the Football Guy
February 2004 – It was Sunday, January 18. I found myself getting ready for my first football party, the playoff between the Patriots and the Colts.
“How does one prepare for a football party?” I wondered. I had no idea where to begin. What should I wear, what will we need to eat, do we need party favors? The list was endless. I sent my partner off to the market for supplies while I grabbed the Pledge and scurried around the house like a white tornado. I polished high and low, vacuumed the hardwoods, carpets, and couches and even tried to make the dog’s bed look a little more presentable. I washed the dishes, wiped down the counters and polished appliances. For atmosphere, I also cleaned the ashes from the wood stove and washed the glass so the fire would be as vibrant as possible.
By the time I finished cleaning my partner arrived home from the market with exciting news. The Big Y had fresh tulips on sale!! Buy one bunch, get one free. Everyone knows that no party should be without fresh cut flowers, so he purchased four bunches. I arranged the tulips in vases throughout the house while he began preparing our football game meal. We were having roasted turkey with all the fixings, including potatoes “smashed” with blue cheese. I had more important things to worry about, like my wardrobe. What does one wear while hosting a football game party? I put on my butchest thinking cap and decided my look would be unshaven with jeans and a sweater.
I ran to the bathroom, slapped on a facial mask, applied my Crest Teeth Whitening Strips (these things really do work!), clipped my nails, and plucked a few stray eyebrow hairs. I then showered, moisturized, and hopped into the tanning bed to obtain a quick glow as though I’ve been somewhere other than frigid New England.
By the time I was finished dressing I had missed the kick off. No bother though as none of our guests had arrived yet. Soon enough they all arrived, greeted with hugs and kisses. The token lesbian, whom we invited to explain the game to us as we pretended to watch, arrived late as well, although she had already been listening to the game on the radio in her truck. She was touting beer and a jalapeño dip, which I suppose was to provoke the burping and farting aspect of a bunch of “guys” sitting around watching the game.
We soon became enthralled, possibly due more to the men running on the field and trying to catch a glimpse of the handsome players through their cumbersome helmets. Many rules had to be explained to me time and time again. Much to the poor lesbian’s dismay, some of the plays I just could not get. There was something called a “safety” that occurred, which went completely over my head. All I know is that it was a rare occurrence, and VERY exciting!
Finally, the game was over, and New England was victorious, meaning we were now headed to the Super Bowl. We sat patiently waiting for the much-anticipated locker room scenes, or rather interviews. We all (excluding the lesbian) were quite disappointed in the locker room footage, however. There wasn’t a single butt slapping.
All in all, I threw one hell of a football party. Although, I was quick to point out to one of my guests that he would be hosting the Super Bowl party. A gay man must always out-do his previous parties, and I just don’t know what more I could do to gay-up another football party unless I were to enroll a few hunky “cheerleaders” to join us as well!
To all of those hosting their own football parties, keep in mind that nothing sets the mood better than fresh cut flowers, a roasted turkey dinner and a roaring fire. It also doesn’t hurt to invite a lesbian to supply the beer, jalapeño dip, and to explain all of the rules. Should your team lose, don’t fret, as you can always say that you threw a fabulous party!
Congratulations Pats!!
Keith Fitzpatrick may be reached at akconsulting@charter.net.
