Cinequette!

By Robert Newton

November 2003 – When you spend as much time at the movies as I do, you do everything you can to make every experience bearable, because the movies not always are. Adopting these “8 Simple Rules For Sharing My Theater” will make everybody’s night out a more enjoyable one.

Learn how to tell time: Don’t be the person who comes in 10 minutes late, stepping on toes and spilling popcorn on everyone on in the row. Kindly wait for the next show, or go see something else. If you can afford a night at the movies, you can certainly afford a cheap watch. Save precious time by buying your tickets online before you leave the house.
Turn off your cell phone: Unless you are an expectant father or a surgeon waiting for a call from the organ bank, shut off the cell phone, or at least set it on “vibrate” (especially if you’re lonely) and be prepared to step outside if you must take the call. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are not as important as you think you are. Try to enjoy the quiet that everyone else in the theater also paid for.
Please, just shut up: A quiet whisper is OK, but no matter how relevant your questions for the movie’s characters may seem to you, the only response you are going to get is from the irritated people in the seats around you.
Learn to hold your water: Do not purchase any beverage at the concession stand that your body will need to expel before the end of the movie. If you have an actual medical condition that requires frequent trips to the bathroom, be considerate by arriving early to sit at the end of a row. Do not create an actual medical condition by “holding it” if you really have to go. Also, treat passing gas like the event it previews and excuse yourself and sneak one in the hallway.
Don’t eat like a pig: As large as that large popcorn may be, it is not a trough, nor is it a feedbag. Shoveling handfuls of corn down your gullet not only looks nasty, but it is noisy, as well. Regarding other noisy foods: chew nachos with your mouth closed and unwrap all candy in advance.
Watch your back: The theater is not your living room. While the chairs may recline some, keep in mind that there may be someone sitting behind you. Ditto for the people sitting in front of you – their chair is not your drum set. And for God’s sake, keep your damn feet off the chairs, especially if they are right next to someone else’s head.
Get a sitter, for crying out loud: Certainly, having children does not relegate you to the home every weekend, but is it really a good idea to bring your 5-year-old to a 9:30pm show of anything? Choosing to have a child is a sacrifice, but it should not be one shared by all. If you bring your own snacks (which is easier to do in the winter under heavy clothing), you can subsidize the cost of a sitter, which, consequently, is about the same price as a box of Trojans.
Take a shower: Don’t go to the theater – or any public place, for that matter – smelling like you just got home from the gym. No, other theater patrons don’t need their noses to enjoy the movie (unless it’s John Waters’ Polyester in “Smell-O-Vision”), but the sense of smell and sense of taste are related, so don’t make my popcorn smell like your unwashed sweat pants (what are you doing wearing sweat pants in public, anyway?) See also the farting clause in #4, above.